I was an athlete in high school. I was athletic, strong and thin. I didn't realize it at the time, but in high school I was smokin hot. Thank God I didn't know that or I probably would have gotten myself and many others in a lot of trouble. I've always been short at 5'2, but in high school I was considered "petite" with a small waist, less than substantial T & A, and lean, strong legs and arms. I had been a soccer player for most of my childhood, and I also dabbled in other sports like martial arts and swimming. My first real job was at a gym, and I spent a few hours after school and on the weekends watching people perfect their bodies. This gym was more of a "weight lifting" gym than a fitness club, so I was accustomed to seeing mostly men, but also some women, doing reps with dumbbells or on weight machines. The gym also had a strong martial arts program, and every evening and on Saturdays martial artists of all levels would be put through their paces.
I never felt like the "fat one". I wasn't particularly gifted at any of the sports I played, but I enjoyed them. And while I think most self conscious girls wish they could change something about themselves, I never truly felt unattractive. I knew I was cute, I knew some people thought I was pretty or hot. Sure, I wished I could lose about 10 lbs, which in high school would have put me at about 105 lbs. My best friend was athletic with strong legs and an impossibly flat stomach. She also had the most adorable and unexpected round ass. I always envied it since my own ass got compliments, but not the ones I wanted. It was small and strong - I wanted it to be curvy.
I eventually stopped playing all sports, got married, and gained weight. I have no kids, so I can't blame it on baby weight. I blame it on not knowing how to cook, eating fast food all the time, and not realizing that it would catch up with me.
I'm now 31 and at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I'm 165 lbs. While I know there are people out there that are much heavier than me - this is a lot for my 5'2" frame. I carry almost all my weight in my stomach and chest and I'm uncomfortable most of the time. I've lost weight before, about 30 lbs or so at one point. But life always happened, and I gained it back.
I know why I can't seem to lose weight.
I'M LAZY.
I like to sleep in, I'd always prefer to watch TV, I love being snuggled on the couch in the middle of a Netflix binge. I also don't like taking the time to make myself healthy meals or meal prepping.
I'D RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.
I often find that I want to just clean my house. Or I want to watch TV instead of the hours it takes to meal prep (creating a meal plan, making a grocery list, going to the store, cooking, putting everything in containers...).
I DON'T LIKE FEELING FAT OR WEAK.
So I avoid situations that make me feel either. Clothes don't fit me? I don't like clothes shopping anyway, so now I just avoid it. Because clothes shopping makes me feel fat. Can't run a mile continuously? I'll just avoid it because gasping for air and feeling my tummy bounce with every step makes me feel unhealthy and unfit - and fat. Can't do a normal pushup? Better not try to then or I'm reminded of how weak I am.
At some point you have to understand that its the doing the same thing over and over that has gotten you to this place. I now feel so ashamed of myself that when a friend took a lovely photo of myself and my wife holding hands at Seattle Pride, all I could focus on was how FAT I look. She looks amazing - she looks hot, sexy, cute. Just as she did the day I met her. But I do not look the same. I look fat. I look like someone that you can't imagine has such a hot wife. If I saw us together, I'd wonder how someone like me ended up with someone like her. I think this all the time anyway and I also live in fear that she will wake up someday and ask herself this same question. I know there is more to me than just my body. But she fell in love with me about 40 lbs ago. She will say that her body has changed too, but I don't think its changed in a way that makes it less appealing, and the same cannot be said about me.
I go back and forth with the whole issue of Body Love. I personally feel that if you are a larger size, and you love your curves and your extra weight and all that, that's amazing. I don't understand it, because I've never been able to love myself at a larger size. But I aspire to it. I go back and forth between striving to be a smaller, healthier, stronger, more fit version of Dani AND loving myself the way I am now. For me, it has always seemed that I have to choose a side. I can either try to get skinny, or I can love myself at this size. I'm beginning to understand that maybe I don't have to choose a size. Maybe I can try to start loving myself enough to get thin again. To feel good about myself. To feel confident.
Here is the photo. The bad photo.
There are many like it. Photos that I can't unsee. Photos that I wish I hadn't taken because I don't want to see how big I've become. I hate thinking about how others see me. I want my friends to think I'm pretty, attractive, cute. I want them to think I'm in shape. I want to BE in shape. I want to be strong and fit and look as if I could run a 5k without breaking a sweat. I want to look like someone that you could ask to go hiking with and they wouldn't think twice.
I want to take pics of me and Katie and feel proud of how I look. I want to feel that SHE would be proud of being seen with me because I'm so attractive. I want to have no hesitation in capturing memories because I'll be capturing the image of someone that is attractive. I want to feel good about taking pictures with friends because I know I'll be able to focus on what a good time we had, or how we were smiling - instead of only seeing how my breasts sag or the rolls where my bra straps are.
Changes need to be made. A plan needs to be devised and goals need to be set. Let's get started.
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